Gay Dads

Gay dads face a number of unique challenges. Gay men may still struggle in some sectors for societal acceptance, and discrimination can come out of seemingly nowhere once you add children to the equation.

And though Canada is celebrating an historic triumph of five years of legal gay marriage, thanks to human rights hero Dr. Rev. Brent Hawkes, many still have a difficult time adjusting to a wider definition of love.

Few countries in the world allow legal adoption by gay couples, and we rejoice that many children are now finding wonderful homes with Canadian couples who have long been denied the right to create a family. But gay adoption is still controversial, and gay fathers often face an inquisition over their parental and worse, moral, fitness. Beyond the specific discriminatory issues, adoption itself has always been an exhausting process of obstacles, bureaucracy, paperwork, and waiting, with an array of messy emotional ramifications that come with orphaned children.

All adoptive parents and adopted children need support: gay parents often proceed without any, in the face of disapproval or downright prejudice.

Finally, there are many gay fathers who have children with a wife, ex-wife, close friend, surrogate, or other relationship, and all of these have their own specific relationship challenges to navigate while being a dad.

With so many needy children around the world, and right here at home, denying them a family simply because their parents will be gay seems reprehensible. Even if one is convinced that a gay parent is an unfit parent, one need only look at the traditional kinds of parents around them to see that heterosexual parents are not exactly model. Parenting is difficult work for all kinds of parents. Nonetheless, this argument is causing major divisions politically and socially throughout many countries, and is currently a heated debate in the United States. Groups opposed to gay adoption cite the prevalence among homosexuals of mental health problems like depression, substance abuse, and suicide, along with an allegedly higher rate of domestic violence among gay couples. Furthermore, the absence of male or female role models might cause maladjustment, according to this line of thought.

Adoption supporters maintain that parenting ability is not linked to orientation, and that heterosexual parents have more than their fair share of all of the above- in fact, by sheer numbers, it’s way higher. Furthermore, the lack of one gender as role model is epidemic in heterosexual parenting. Finally, passing the adoption process is much more challenging and rigorous than the traditional methods of obtaining a child- where it “just happens.” All of these, supporters maintain, are the reasons so many children are given up for adoption in the first place.

The American Psychiatric Association’s position statement on the issue reads,

“Numerous studies over the last three decades consistently demonstrate that children raised by gay or lesbian parents exhibit the same level of emotional, cognitive, social, and sexual functioning as children raised by heterosexual parents… The American Psychiatric Association supports initiatives which allow same-sex couples to adopt and co-parent children and supports all the associated legal rights, benefits, and responsibilities which arise from such initiatives.”  The American medical and psychological associations have similar positions. The Canadian Psychological Association says, The CPA supports the inclusion of sexual orientation as a protected ground of discrimination against lesbians, gay men, their relationships and their families in all human rights legislation, public policy, regulation, procedure and practice; and

… strongly opposes prejudice, bias and discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation in all areas including spousal and family relationships, benefits and privileges, employment, goods, services, facilities, housing and accommodation.”

All of the world’s recent strides toward human rights notwithstanding, both biological and adopting gay fathers still face tremendous pressures together with their families. Here are some resources that might help.

Gay Dads Canada

“Gay Dads Canada is the outcome of a process of national partnership building with local, provincial, and national gay parenting support groups and gay fathers. GDC is a broad-based national Canadian alliance of individuals, support organizations and discussion groups dedicated to the development, support and sharing of knowledge focusing on gay father involvement with their children and communities.”

This website contains a wealth of resources for gay dads throughout Canada. From tips on how to tell your wife you are gay right through to adoption support, you’ll find everything you need here. New dads will find lengthy lists of emails of other dads, provided for “buddy” support. Links will point you towards support groups in your area. Articles on everything from kids with special needs to blended families to indigenous dads, and a number of blogs, help inform and educate. Gay Dad Canada provides helpful lists of DVDs, books, and other publications.

http://www.gaydads-canada.com/

We Are Dad

A fascinating documentary about an untraditional family. Two gay men, both HIV negative, have five kids, three of whom have HIV, three who are mixed race, and two who were rescued from a bizarre American cult. One child, Bert, was fostered to the family when he was sick; now that he is well, his adoption is being denied to the family because the foster parents are gay. Despite all of the love, care, and emotional risk invested in this unusual family, the pope has called them “gravely immoral.” The movie is comic, making a series of difficult topics light and funny to watch.

http://www.wearedad.com/

The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide

by Arlene Istar Lev

Penguin, 2004

Exactly what the title says. Lots of anecdotes about different kinds of families.

Rainbow Babies

“The desire to have children and be parents is one of the most fundamental aspects of being human. In the past, this desire was oftentimes denied to GLBT people. With the advent of advanced medical treatments, as well as changing societal beliefs, this process is now much more accessible. However, this does not mean the path to parenthood is always an easy one. There are so many decisions to make and so much information to absorb and understand. This is all in addition to the emotional component of actually becoming a parent(s). The Rainbow Babies vision is to provide a central area for general information on the many aspects of GLBT pregnancies and parenting. We will also provide space for parents or would-be parents to share their stories about their respective paths to parenthood. The Rainbow Babies will be a place where we can learn and gather strength from each other as we move forward in becoming parents and providing a loving environment for the children we cherish so much.”

An absolutely indispensable website filled with love. Gay parents or parents to be will find helpful information on all aspects of parenting, including: pregnancy, insemination, surrogacy, fostering, adoption, and good old-fashioned babymaking. Because most of the resources are American, Canadians may find some discrepancies in legal or technical areas. However, the information and support are still invaluable. There are articles on how to hire the right adoption lawyer; pdfs on everything from basal temperature to sperm donorship; there are maps on surrogacy and adoption laws; articles on talking to your children about God or on the meaning of Chanukah in family celebration; movie and book reviews, and everything in between.

www.rainbowbabies.com

Metropolitan Community Church

A church with a difference- famously known as the “gay church,” it’s actually a church where “all are welcome.” That includes members of all cultures, orientations, and faith traditions, including atheists. Led by Rev. Brent Hawkes who risked his life to make gay marriage legal, the congregation features families of many descriptions. Children are treasured and gay parents will not only be welcome, but be the norm. The church is active in social justice and the arts, creating a sense of community and a safe sanctuary for all people. Whether you are religious or not, if you feel disconnected or alone, or simply want to be involved in a community that supports gay dads (and moms, and kids), there are all kinds of programs at MCC. There are three church services on Sundays, but throughout the week there are educational seminars, book clubs, movie nights, social meetings, readings, performances, social activism, and more. 

http://www.mcctoronto.com/

Gay Dads

Gay Dads: a Celebration of Fatherhood is a book by David Strah shows the “remarkable, joyous, at times painful, but always inspiring stories of 24 diverse gay dads and their struggles to create families in a world that is not always welcoming of them.”

http://www.gaydads.info/

Colage

“COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth, and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer (LGBTQ) parent/s. We build community and work toward social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy…Equality and justice for LGBTQ parents and our families.”

www.colage.org

Human Rights Campaign

“The Human Rights Campaign is America's largest civil rights organization working to achieve lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) equality. By inspiring and engaging all Americans, HRC strives to end discrimination against LGBT citizens and realize a nation that achieves fundamental fairness and equality for all. HRC seeks to improve the lives of LGBT Americans by advocating for equal rights and benefits in the workplace, ensuring families are treated equally under the law and increasing public support among all Americans through innovative advocacy, education and outreach programs. HRC works to secure equal rights for LGBT individuals and families at the federal and state levels by lobbying elected officials, mobilizing grassroots supporters, educating Americans, investing strategically to elect fair-minded officials and partnering with other LGBT organizations.”

This organization is extensively dedicated to the rights of LGBT families and provides access to considerable information on laws, campaigns, stats, and data of all kinds.

www.HRC.org

Most Comprehensive Study of Kids with Gay Parents Finds Kids Smarter and Better Adjusted Than Kids from Other Families!

While this study monitored children born to lesbian parents, gay dads facing discrimination or lack of understanding from their families or peers can certainly point to it as a conversation starter.

"Contrast analysis found that the 17-year-old...girls and boys were rated significantly higher in social, school/academic, and total competence and significantly lower in social, rule-breaking, aggressive, and externalizing problem behaviour than the comparison group," according to the study.

Hopefully, detractors will consider learning more about families with this new information. This Sun article points out that there are 100 000 kids in the United States alone awaiting adoption, never mind the rest of the world. Let’s hope that couples long denied adoption rights legally or socially will be able to give these children loving homes.

http://www.torontosun.com/life/2010/06/08/14307581.html

Family Pride Canada

Family Pride Canada strives to be a “specialized resource centre focusing on the social, legal, political, educational, spiritual, and psychological issues facing lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans parents and their families across Canada.” It aims to provide gay families with information and library resources, counter social isolation, and affirm the dignity of LGBT families.

While these intentions are all superb, gay fathers will find fewer relevant resources on this site than will gay moms. Also, many of the links are outdated or broken.

http://www.uwo.ca/pridelib/family/index.html

Fatherhood Dreams

A documentary film about gay dads and their families.

www.fatherhooddreams.com