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The topic of teen fatherhood gets
attention on the wildly popular TV show, Glee. A girl who heads the
teen chastity club finds herself pregnant. She knows the father is a
punk from the wrong side of the tracks, and can’t deal with the
reality. So she tells her other, more malleable suitor, that the
child is his. She wants to give the baby up for adoption, but she
expects this boyfriend to step up to the plate and pay for medical
care.
The show tackles some major teenage
issues while managing to remain lighthearted. Teen pregnancy and
parenting topics are in no short supply, from the billions in
America spent on abstinence education, to the blanket disapproval of
teen moms who don’t want to put their baby up for adoption. On one
hand, the boys get let off easy- girls will face public disdain, but
few judge the guys for their obvious contributions, because boys
will be boys. But on the other hand, being left out of the picture
kind of makes teen dads invisible, and they don’t always want to be.
Teen dads hold very little decision
making power. He may have a small influence on a girl’s decision
whether to abort, keep, or place a baby for adoption. He may not
want parenthood thrust on him, but too bad. Yet if he doesn’t
believe in abortion or doesn’t want to give up his child, he has
very little say in the matter.
Teen dads are also vulnerable to
manipulations by frightened girls, calculating girls, parents of
both parties, and medical and religious figures. In Glee, the one
boy was let off the hook- even though he wanted to help. He wasn’t
“good enough.” The other boy was willing but exhausted. He didn’t
suspect that he wasn’t the father at all, even though he had never
slept with the girl! He believed that fooling around in the hot tub
had impregnated her. Both boys were helpless. They both needed a
considerable amount more information in order to make any decision
at all, never mind the best ones.
It would be wonderful if all parenting
the world over took place only when two parents of whatever age are
totally ready and prepared, financially solvent, with no personal
problems that may contribute to imperfect child rearing skills. But
that’s simply not part of reality for just about anyone, anytime in
history.
Biology is a cruel mistress. Nature
gives boys an obsession with girls that may last forever but will
never be as intense and overwhelming as it is while in his teens. He
has the least amount of wisdom to know what to do and the most
amount of desire. His partner or partners are just discovering their
sexual power and test driving it without the wisdom of years to make
the best decisions. And so we end up with teen pregnancy, and often,
teen parents. Teenage pregnancy has been around since the beginning,
in all societies. In some eras, teen parenting was the norm, since
we didn’t live very long. In some cultures, when the body announces
adulthood, teenagers are married and ready to start being blessed by
babies. In North American culture, it is extremely common and yet
quite taboo to talk about.
We need to support young mothers, and
also offer support to our sons, brothers, and friends who may be
facing teen parenthood. But how?
1.Get him (or her) the facts. Before
it happens. The idea that the birds and the bees won’t occur to
teens unless you talk about it is wishful thinking. Make your values
and expectations clear, but allow for mistakes, for confusion
handling new drives, or simply for a value system that is not in
accord with yours. Talk about contraception as well as acknowledging
the overwhelming impulses and uncertain decisions your teen will
face. Despite the “family values” cries of many, it is a fact that
teen pregnancy and disease is most rampant where teens have no real
sex education. Family values are important- but there are different
kinds of values, and different kinds of families, and you might face
a loved one in a situation you didn’t hope for, and he needs your
support.
2.Acknowledge his emotions. Your teen
relative or friend will feel anger, frustration, fear, loss, and any
number of other intense emotions. He may feel he is in love with the
girl; he may feel he can’t stand her. Accept his emotions and help
him work through them.
3.Teach him how to speak up for
himself, but to be a pillar for his lady and to support her
decisions even if ultimately they don’t match his own. It’s never
too early to learn respect for the girl who might carry your
children, and all other girls and women.
4.Help him in every way possible. If
his network of family and friends can all help financially, do so to
keep him in school.
5.Take the look of doom and gloom off
your faces and let him know a baby is something to celebrate even if
the responsibility and pressure will be tremendous. Take him by the
hand and join a babysitting or childcare class with him. Borrow
babies from the church nursery or daycare or friends (with
permission and supervision of course!) and get him comfortable with
holding babies, changing diapers, and feeding. He’ll be more
confident and comfortable when the baby comes.
6.Get a lawyer or community legal
counsel to make sure he knows his rights and responsibilities
concerning parenting, custody, and so on. The relationship between
himself and the baby’s mother may be wonderful, or it may be rocky.
Either way, they are teens- that relationship is unlikely to stay
that way, one way or another.
7.Make sure you know exactly what
signing off on adoption entails as regarding rights now or in the
future. Adoption is exhausting and emotional for all parties, even
if today it seems like the simplest solution. Many parents and most
children wonder about their biological families later, and some
become driven to find their missing party. Laws of contact and
access to information vary from country to country and within states
and other jurisdictions. Know what’s happening before he signs
anything.
7.Get to the library for books for
fathers and on childcare in general.
8.Get down to the guidance office at
school and arrange for a therapist. Also arrange for some career
consultations. Get to know his options. Take him by the hand- he’s
got enough on his plate, and doesn’t have the maturity to think,
“what’s the fastest track to stability for my new family?” Don’t
assume he has to give up his dream of being a doctor. He might not.
Or he might have to put it on hold, or he might have to change
paths. Don’t forget the trades. Millions of men are extremely happy
in trades, yet pressured by society to funnel themselves into
“respectable jobs.” Some men hate offices and ties and don’t want to
sit at a computer all day. They may be more than capable of a PhD
but prefer to work with their hands. Many men enjoy physical labour
over number crunching. Don’t belittle blue collar jobs. They are
the jobs that make the world go around. Though the work can be
dangerous and backbreaking, there are perks. Construction workers
often get winters off, for example, even though summer means long
hours. Something as prestige-less as pest control, for example,
takes hardly any training and can pay extremely well.
9.Stand up for the teen dad in your
life. Show him how to stand up for himself and face public scrutiny
by setting an example. Don’t shuffle and clear your throat when
neighbours or pals from church or the bank raise their eyebrows or
say something rude. Say firmly but gently things along the lines of,
“The timing was certainly unexpected, but Frank and Angi have made
their decision, and we stand by them. We’re excited about
celebrating our new addition, and hope the whole community will
support us in sharing our joy and helping us during this momentous
landmark.”
10.Understand that your son’s desires
regarding how to handle his partner’s pregnancy will not be the
final word. You and your teen may feel that abortion is the obvious
answer. You may feel adoption is too complex and unknown. Or he may
desperately want to keep the child despite the odds. But ultimately,
he has to accept his partner’s choices, and so do you. Be there for
him.
Resources
Becoming a Teenage Dad
“Teenage dads are often painted as the
‘bad guys’ by the media, but we’re assuming if you’re reading this
you want to do the best you can in a difficult situation. We’ve put
together a series of articles to help you understand your rights,
responsibilities and choices.”
This series of articles covers
everything from finding out your partner is pregnant, to abortion,
adoption, keeping the baby, rights and responsibilities, “stepping
up,” and telling your family. This is a UK site so some of the links
or laws may be irrelevant, but nonetheless, an excellent place to
start.
http://www.dads-space.com/BecomingATeenageDad
Young Father’s Drop In (Ottawa)
Weekly sports, dinner, and down time
to talk about parenting and receive support. Guest speakers. Food
bank access and other resources.
http://www.ottawayoungparents.com/BFprogYF.htm
Single Parents Forum
A chat board and online support for
single parents of all ages. Various threads on child care, emotional
issues, relationships, and teen fathers.
http://www.singlefamilyvoices.com/forum/
Support for Teenage Fathers
“Our society is currently lacking in
support and resources for teenage fathers. Hopefully by creating
this group further awareness will be created for our society and we
can begin to implement change in how we view this issue.”
A Canadian Facebook group.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=210317324615
Young Fathers Network
This is a UK site, but North Americans
may find resources and information to help or inspire them.
http://www.youngfathers.net/
Morning Glory Press
This press focuses on books about teen
pregnancy.
Road to Fatherhood: How to Help Young
Dads Become Loving and Responsible Parents by Jon Morris is for
parents and educators and explains ways to support teen fathers.
Information on education and work, too.
http://www.morningglorypress.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=77&osCsid=67c5eebe6a18f8f95929e9b3d6fab8e5
Parent Books
Since 1986, this Canadian company has
been sourcing books on parenting. This page lists several dozen
books on teen parenting, including teen dads, and books for parents
parenting teen parents!
http://www.parentbooks.ca/Teen_Pregnancy_&_Parenting.html
Fatherhood Involvement Research
Alliance
Research on fatherhood, including
young fathers.
www.fira.ca
Da Young Father’s Project
For UK dads.
“The Young Fathers Project offers all
young fathers (14-25 yrs) one to one support on issues like coping
with being a dad, benefits, housing, education and training,
services for parents and support for those young fathers who are
having difficulty getting access to their children.”
www.da-youngfathersproject.co.uk |
